The Origin Of The Phantasmagorica Anomalistic Coat
by Steve61
Summary: Peri learns why the Sixth Doctor wears his strange multi-colored coat.


**It had started out as just another day in the TARDIS...Another day, another argument...**

**"This one?"  
"No."**

**"This one?"**

**"Certainly not."**

**"Howabout this one? It's chic!"  
"'Chic'? 'Chic'? It reeksI"**

**"I rather like it! It has style. And charm!"**

**"Oh, please! So does a gumblefish served with a healthy dollop of custard, but you don't see me racing to order one in a restaurant!"**

**"Hmph! I think you're better off steering clear of custard for awhile!"**

**"Are you saying in your own circuitous way that I am not fit as a fiddle and in the prime of my life, Peri?"**

**"Let's just say you're...a different size than you used to be!"  
"HA! Indeed! My last incarnation was a veritable stick insect compared to me! I admit that I've put on a pound or two-"  
"-or fifteen..."**

**"- but that doesn't make me any less healthy! I'm the perfect weight for my new height!"  
"'New height'? Haha! You've probably grown about a half inch in height! And even more outwardly!"  
"Pish-posh! You try crossing time and space for years on end without eyebrows! I'm an improvement in every way!"**

**"Oh, look, Doctor! This would be fabulous! It's virtually the same cut as what you're wearing, but it's all blue! The cuffs, the lapels, the length! It's perfect!"**

**"That? Good grief, Peri, I'd be singled out as positively depressed and neurotic in that blue blunder!"**

**"Then why's it in here with all your other stuff? Why not throw it out?"**

**"The TARDIS's wardrobe facilities cover all of time and space and fashion sense, Peri. Just because it's here doesn't mean you or I will ever want to wear it."**

**"'Facilities' plural? You have more than one room with clothes in them? That's terrific news! It'll be just like shopping after we're done here!"**

**"Oh, my giddy grandfather! Sigh!" **

**"Maybe we could start small, and change some of your accessories. Maybe we could replace your floppy blue bow with this?"  
"That? That looks like the kind of tie one gives her father on Father's Day! It's so...so...plain and conservative. Now, if you could find a bow-tie? That would be acceptable."  
"A bow-tie? Bow-ties are weird!"**

**"No, bow-ties are cool!" **

**"Sigh! Okay, forget the accessories for now. What about this jacket? You picked it up the first time we came in here to replace your muddy cricket coat."**

**"That velour nightmare! It doesn't even fit me anymore! I used to wear one, and many others like it, but thank the stars I regained my impeccable sense of haute couture, and found this masterpiece that you see before you!"**

**"'Masterpiece'? I've seen stars and weird patterns before my eyes when I've rubbed them too hard that were less chaotic and bizarre than your coat! Look, Doctor, I'm not trying to change you-"**

**"Indeed! You could have fooled me! This has all the makings of a domestic situation I have been able to pleasantly avoid until you came along!"**

**"What's that supposed to mean?"**

**"Oh, come come, my dear girl, don't tell me that it's not common practice with your human race to have a female acquire a male companion and then proceed to change him so he better suits her ideals! I've seen it many times before! Cleopatra tried to have Caesar eat less garlic****!**** Mileva Einstein****insisted Albert stop staying up so late with his experiments! Rachel wanted Ross to be less geeky!"**

**"Ross and Rachel? Who are they?"**

**"Never mind. The point is-"**

**"The point is, Doctor, that **_**I'm **_**not trying to change you because I've got the hots for you! But after our last couple of exploits, you must have felt too obvious and****conspicuous by now in that crazy outfit! You used to want to blend in before you regenerated, like when you insisted we dress in 17th century clothing when we visited France! But remember when you felt out of place in 1985 before we met up with the Cybermen, and you stuck out like a sore thumb on dreary ol' Varos. The only place in the universe where that coat and that outfit might just fit in is during Halloween and Mardi Gras! And that only covers a couple days on Earth! You can't possibly fit in **_**anywhere **_**looking like **_**that!**_**"**

**"Really?"  
"Really!"**

**"Nowhere? No...where...at...all?"**

**"Absolutely nowhere, Doctor! We've just been to Aristotle's time, and you didn't bother to change into native clothing!"**

**"I covered my tracks rather well, if I do say so myself!"  
"Oh, sure! If you call referring to yourself as 'Doctor Tardisius of the Saturnian Guild of Magicians' a suitable cover story for that stup- sigh. Sorry. That mismatched outfit of yours."**

**"Say it."**

**"Say what?"**

**"Say that **_**word **_**you were about to say just now."**

**"Look, Doctor-"  
"SAY IT OUT LOUD!"**

**"S-stupid! Okay? Are you satisfied? S-sorry."**

**"Come along. Enough of this nonsense. It's time you were off!"  
"What? What did I-? Doctor? Doctorrr!"**

**"Come on, come on! Let's go! Time waits for no man or ****WORD ****girl"**

**"Okayokayokay, I'm sorry! I was too harsh! I don't want to leave yet! I'm sorry I insulted you-"**

**"Oh, but this situation **_**demands**_** my immediate attention, Peri! This bubbling, roiling disgust for my dress-sense that's burning within your every fibre must be dealt with tout suiite! I'm not taking 'no' for an answer!"**

**"You can't just kick me out of the TARDIS for my own rational opinion! You can be that mean-spirited?"**

**"'Mean-spirited'? 'Mean-spiritied'? Me, mean-spirited? Try educated with a healthy dose of proof to back up every creditable****word that comes out of this mouth! I'm not kicking you off the Ship, Peri!"**

**"Oh! Good."**

**"I'm about to take on the role of teacher and you that of my student!"**

**"Oh, no. Not the 'hermit and his disciple' idea again!"  
"No no no no! Teacher and student! Far be it for me to just dump you off at Ipswich in 1904 without basking in the victorious glow of my proof! Never forget, Peri: I-am-always-right! And here we goooo!"**

**Peri barely had time to grasp onto the TARDIS console in time as the Doctor re-set his co-ordinates and sent the time-ship on a hard-right angle down a different vortex tunnel than they'd been travelling. The Ship trembled and careened off course, speeding off to who knew where, as far as the frightened companion could tell. However, the Doctor wasn't too sadistic, so he slowed the TARDIS down somewhat, allowing normal gravitation to take over.**

**Peri caught her breath, and brushed her brown hair out of her eyes with a huff. "You could have warned me!"**

**"Forgive me, my girl, but I suppose that donning this rainbow of style elicits a giddy sense of the dramatic! But we're on course for a revelation of galactic proportions!"  
"Uh-huh. And exactly what kind of 'proportions' are those?"**

**The Doctor spread his arms out wide, smiled up into the TARDIS's ceiling with his eyes closed, and bellowed, "The origin of this patchwork chef d'oeuvre!"**

**Peri just stared at him.**

**The TARDIS materialised just inside the gates of a thriving metropolis, near a market square that was bustling with humanoids, much to Peri's relief. She was half expecting the Doctor to reveal that the coat (and his bright yellow pants, and mismatched vest, and green and red spats) had been manufactured by colour-blind alien bug-people, but this wasn't the case. From the viewpoint of the big scanner tv screen, she could see that the people were similar to her, if not a little too enthusiastic about wearing multiple colours. She looked over her shoulder and watched the Doctor throw an arm towards the view screen and utter with a flourish,**

**"Behold, yon convivial, bombastic, kaleidoscopic Astrozodia!"**

**"Oh...uh...okay."**

**"'Okay'? It's more than just 'okay', my dear girl! It's a veritable smorgasbord of temptations of the senses! The people that live here rejoice in all of the seven senses to the point of-"**

**"Five."  
"Eh?"  
"Five senses."**

**"HA! And that's where you're wrong! Humanoid though they may appear, they possess **_**seven**_** senses! And for that, they appreciate life in ways that your ape-descended species could only imagine!"**

**"What are the extra two senses, then?"**

**"Mm-mm. Can't really impart such wondrous extra abilities to someone that doesn't possess a similar physiognomy for a similar frame of reference. It would be like trying to describe the appreciation of a fine dinner to a piece of cardboard! Anyways, here we go!"  
"Um, am I dressed for correctly? Do they have any special rules about showing too much skin or is the temperature comfortable or-"  
The Doctor shook his head with a knowing smile. "You're fine the way you are. Perfect, in fact. Class is in session!"**

**And with that, the Doctor yanked open the door control, and the console room doors parted slowly, allowing them to disembark. The Doctor clutched the mismatched colourful lapels of his multi-coloured coat, while Peri followed him, wearing just a pair of bell-bottom blue jeans, white running shoes with a black check mark-like emblem on their sides, and a simple pale pink blouse.**

**Had she known better she would have worn two pairs of sunglasses at the same time...**

**At first Peri thought the outside world had been enveloped within a blinding nuclear explosion, or multiple reflective surfaces were blinding her with the glare from the sun. Instead, it was simply extremely, unbelievably bright outside, and the Doctor was sauntering about like he was still inside the properly-lit console room. Peri blinked away tears as her eyes adjusted and held a hand against her eyebrow line to shield herself from the brilliant sun.**

**People milled about minding their own business for the most part, talking, singing, and laughing, amongst the barking of small red and blue dogs and the cheerful chirping of alien birds. She blinked away, trying to focus, slowly approaching the Doctor, who was chuckling to himself and sounding insufferably pleased with himself.**

**"Well? What do you think of Astrozodia?"**

**"I-I think I'd like it b-better if I could just **_**see it**_**, rather than just **_**hear it!**_** I'm having trouble focusing, Doctor- it's sooo bright!"**

**"Indeed, Sarah Jane, the-"**

**"Peri."**

**"Sorry, yes, Peri, the nature of the Astrozodia atmosphere, sun-type, refraction of light and evolution of its unique axis rotation all factor in to create one of the most unique worlds in the cosmos. I shan't worry- your eyes will adjust soon enough. Come along! Let's grab a bite to eat, shall we? They make the most amazing pastosha-veebeeoomba you're ever likely to try!"**

**"Or pronounce. A little help here?"**

**The Doctor spun around, saw that his companion was still uneasy in the glaring sunlight, blocking out the light with a hand hooding her eyes, so he took her by the other hand and led her into the bustling market where the sounds of live musicians playing music and the smell of fresh food lured him in like a siren song. Peri, on the other hand, with her face twisted in a grimace from the radiating blaze of the alien sun above her, squinted and fought back tearing eyes that were having difficulty adapting to the alien planet.**

**She tried to keep up with his enthusiastic gait, and tried to accept that he was truly trying to enlighten her and show her a good time, but walking into a crowd in an environment that felt like two suns were shining above wasn't her idea of fun, especially when every time she tried to look above someone's waist-level the sun hurt her eyes.**

**And the comments certainly weren't nice or welcomed, either.**

**"What the dribble is **_**that **_**monstrosity? How **_**dare **_**she wear something so poor in taste!"  
"Indeed! A barbaric insult to my eyes!"**

**"Looky, Mommy! The silly lady looks weally weally stoooo-pid!"  
"Hush, dearest! She's probably some blind orphan, or some such. If not, she should be thrown into the ocean with that gawdawful dress-sense of hers! But you're right- she does look stoooo-pid!"**

**Peri tried to focus on the origin of the voices, but her vision was too blurry to focus, the images too washed out by the dazzling sun, not to mention the Doctor's determination to fill his tummy with something tasty.**

**"AAH! Ah-HAAA! Here we go! Try one of these!" he laughed, suddenly pushing something round, chewy and cheesy into her mouth.**

**Peri instinctively began to chew it, thinking he'd offered her a piece of Astrozodia cheese, until she nearly lost her balance, her mouth exploding with familiar and unfamiliar tastes beyond anything she'd ever eaten. And just as her eyes had difficulty recovering from the alien sun, so too did her sense of taste experience an overwhelming blast of flavour that she found she could barely tolerate.**

**"Oooh! Oh, wow! Ooooh!" she gasped, as she tried to swallow the food as quickly as possible, for fear that the taste buds on her tongue would explode from over-stimulation. "Wha-wuz-zat?" she mumbled, her tongue beginning to feel numb.**

**"You liked it, didn't you! That's called a 'gheeth'. A simple concoction that I like to call a little taste of supernova."  
"Uh, righ...yea. 'anks. The flavo prwactically ex'olded in my mou'! Whew!"  
"Another one?" the Doctor offered, nearly shoving it into her face, which she batted away.**

**"NO! I mean, no, thanks."  
"Peri!" the Doctor sighed, heartbroken, "This one's got 'makeemakee' on it! It's like the most favourable mustard you could ever-"  
"I said 'no thanks', Doctor!" Peri snapped, wiping her mouth and swallowing again and again to cleanse her throat. "I-I'm afraid my mouth isn't made for this kind of food, any more than my eyes are made for this planet. Hey! What the-?"  
Peri's eyes were just barely able to focus now, but what she could make of the people around her made her head swim, her human-based sense of style feel dizzy, and her emotions fill up with pity and ridicule.**

**"Doctor! These people**_**...all of these people**_**...are dressed just like **_**you**_**!"**

**The Time Lord laughed and spread his arms wide, nearly slapping the gaudy multi-coloured hat off of a young boy that walked too close to him.**

**"At last you see, Peri! Astrozodia! The birthplace of this magnificent, colourful, phantasmagorical coat that you've grown to loathe! **_**This**_** is where I first bought it centuries ago! **_**This**_** is where it fits in, because it's the very epitome of style here!"**

**"You-can't-be-serious?" Peri moaned.**

**"'ello-'ello-'ello, sir! Fine morning isn't it?" an overly-cheerful police office bellowed from behind Peri, nearly making her jump from his sudden appearance. Although dressed in a navy blue uniform with all of the usual accoutrement's of an officer of the law, his pants and the sleeves of his shirt had vertical red and yellow stripes running up and down them, while he wore a bright green boot on one foot, and a half-yellow, half purple boot on the other foot.**

**"Absolutely brilliant, my fine officer! Quite a resplendent day if I do say so myself, sir!"**

**"Quite agree, quite agree!" the policeman said, distracted by Peri's plain look. "Errr, we do have laws here, my dear. You're not exactly fittin' in with 'em, are ya?"**

**"Oh, uh, am I showing too much skin?" Peri wondered, rubbing her bare arms, and checking the modest v-shaped neckline of her pale pink blouse.**

**"Not enough colour, surely!" the officer snapped. "In a hurry were ya? At least don a hat and multi-coloured ladies scarf in that get-up, willya, now? That's a good girl! You look a perfect dreary mess in that get-up, you do!"**

**"What's wrong with what I'm wearing?" Peri pouted, crossing her arms in a challenge.**

**"Ya ain't showing enough colour, my girl! People are startin' to complain!"**

**"'Complain'? About how I'm dressed?"**

**"Indeedy-do! Here, sir- take charge of her right and fast, yes?" the cop asked, wandering off.**

**"Yes, sir. Immediately!" **

**"That's a fine, lad! After all I wouldn't want to spoil your day by writing up a ticket against you!" the policeman frowned, genuinely annoyed.**

**"A ticket? For me?" Peri gasped, feeling as if she was in a Bizarro/upsidedown world. "On what charge!"**

**"Disturbing the peace, of course! You're making a silly spectacle of yourself lookin' like that, you are!"**

**"How dar-!" Peri began, until the Doctor covered her mouth with a hand, and gave her comforting hug to silence her.**

**"Absolutely, officer! I'll ensure that she's dressed in an outfit that could have been created by an explosion in a rainbow factory! I see some suitable apparel right over there! Good day to you, officer!"**

**The Doctor smiled down at his companion, his cheeks as huge as a grinning Cheshire cat's, filled with an attitude of I-toldyou-so and insufferable superiority. Meanwhile, Peri just looked about and saw people stare at her, shake their heads, avert their eyes from her 'offensive clothing'. She saw every single person, man, woman, child, even pets on leashes, dressed like they were at a Doctor convention. Mismatched colours and patterns, blazing with colours that had no business being sewn together, were all about her. Stripped shirts of red and green were pock-marked by purple polka dots, trousers that were checkered black and white on one side were stitched to zig-zag lines on the other side, women wore blazers of confusing red square patches, over top of blouses inundated with triangles, exclamation marks, and diagonal strips of yellow, brown, blue and peach.**

**Even the ludicrous, flamboyant, multi-coloured, and exaggerated hats that both men and women wore brought new-found respect for the silly hats she'd seen the upper-class wear on Earth to those horse races. They were offensive, silly, badly-designed, gaudy, and every other negative adjective she could imagine from a design and appeal standpoint.**

**And yet here, they were normal.**

**She was the weirdo.**

**"And now you know, Peri," the Doctor said, offering a comforting pat on her shoulder as he directed her towards a marketplace dealer displaying colourful, tacky, mismatched items for sale, "that what seems normal and appealing to one species, isn't necessarily true for the rest of the galaxy!"  
"It's hideous! How can these people live like this! Nothing matches, the colours are attacking my optic nerves...!"  
"But it's Astrozodia, Peri! This is proper here! Be thankful I didn't regenerate into someone that would prefer to don the 'garment' of choice on the planet Klac-Noxx!"  
"Yea? And what's their speciality? Roman togas?"**

**"If only! No, the Klacons prefer to swaddle their bodies in layers of mud to cover up their skin, in place of actual garments! And I can just imagine how messy the console room would look with me tramping in mud every day!"**

**"And yet, despite the fact that everyone on Earth and half the galaxy would find your multi-coloured coat and outfit a little weird, you're not going to change it, are you?" she asked, sounding defeated.  
"Why bother, Peri? I'm happy with it, and that's all that matters. I've worn Earth-based garments for so long, I've forgotten the joys of alien haute couture! This outfit of mine is just my way of celebrating the multiple experiences and sights of the universe, in all of its forms, Peri! You didn't really think they have cricket on Varos, did you? And I can't tell you how many futuristic space travellers saw me in my Edwardian apparel, or my scruffy hoboesque ensemble and thought that I stuck out like a sore thumb!"**

**"Well, I guess I just thought that with all this time travelling and planet hopping that we might...I don't know, try to blend in more often. I'm a girl, Doctor, and I like to dress-up!"**

**He grinned that same smile down at her again, his chest puffed out, and he yanked a hat off of a rack and plunked it down on her head. She sighed as she looked up and saw red, orange and turquoise feathers droop from a brim that was striped with three shades each of brown, green and pink, and topped with what appeared to be a crazy drinking straw bent into two circles.**

**"And so you shall! Starting here on Astrozodia! Come on; I'll buy you a beautiful new outfit so the natives will stop staring and laughing at you!" he cheered, tearing off a short and silly polka dot jacket of green with yellow smiley-faces cluttered over its entire outer shell from a nearby rack and forcefully slipping it on her, chuckling with what seemed like pride in his outfitting of his unenthusiastic companion.**

_**Oh, the indignity of it all!**_** Peri sighed to herself. **_** I expected to knock some sense into the Doctor to make him change into normal clothes, and here I am, being dressed up into gawdawful clothes that are even worse than his!**_

**Peri sighed and decided that if she couldn't beat them, then she'd join them.**

**But not before she slipped on an extravagant, colourful, multi-gem-encrusted glittering pair of sunglasses that would have made Elton John jealous.**

**It made observing the native Astrozodian clashing colours and dreadful pattern-bashing slightly less offensive.**

**Barely.**


End file.
